Political satire: a parody of the U.S. elections

HOST

Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the finales of the show The President Factor. Today, we are going to choose the next President of the country. Get your phones ready for SMS voting. Your vote matters! Rates for text messages may apply.

Audience applauses.

HOST

Please welcome our judges. Bald Guy, who’s always the judge at this type of a show, because he’s a part of the franchise contract.

BALD GUY stands up and waves to the audience and Host.

HOST

Lady With Straight Hair! She might be a singer or an astrologist or something, we don’t really know. But she looks beautiful on camera and that’s what matters for this show and the society we live in.

LADY WITH STRAIGHT hair stands up and sends air kisses to the camera.

HOST

Please give it up for our Guest Star! He doesn’t want to be here but doesn’t mind getting some extra money for his drug addiction expenses. And, he’ll sing for us at the end. So don’t you dare go anywhere.

(to himself)

Oh, that rhymed. I’m goo–ood.

Audience applauses.

HOST

And last but not least—The Forth Judge. 

THE FORTH JUDGE stands up to greet the audience but Host doesn’t pay attention to him and continues.

HOST

Now that all of our judges are introduced, let’s get to know the contestants of The President Factor! The finale!

Contestants show up on the stage.

HOST

(reads his notes)

Contestant Number One. Two years ago she graduated from college with a degree in English language and literature.

(whispers)

I think she definitely has a plan how to beat unemployment in this country. According to her one and only official Instagram account she is, quote, student, author, motivational speaker, dating expert, dog lover, coffee junkie, everyday cuddler, wrist watch wearer and an empathic little bitch heart emoji, heart emoji, heart emoji. End of quote. Please give it up for…

(looks in his notes)

…empathic little bitch.

CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE smiles and dances on the stage for the camera. Audience applauses.

HOST

Contestant Number Two. He has shown up on such shows as “Late Night with John Smith,” “Get Some Sleep, Dude” on CNBJFM-MC channel in 2001, “I’m Your King, No, You Are Not” in Great Britain—the English version of our show, and “23rd Street Station of R train” on…

(looks in his notes)

Oh, not on TV, actual 23rd Street subway station in New York. Okay, then. Now that you all know our finalists, let’s choose the next Pre-si-de-e-e-e-e-nt!

CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO waves. Audience applauses.

HOST

And the first round is called Presidential debate a.k.a. talent battle.

Contestant Number Two starts juggling and dancing and singing and finishes his routine with an acrobatic element. Audience applauses.

HOST

Now, that’s what I call a good political debate! Bravo! Simply Bravo! Let’s see what Contestant Number One has prepared for us. Ready. Set. Go.

CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE

(comes to her stand)

Actually, my therapist says I shouldn’t take part in anything that can put down my self-esteem. And this seems like such a stressful activity right now.

HOST

That’s the rule of the first round. You have to show us your talent. There’s our country at stake.

CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE

Only when we can give up the concepts of our limited self can we attain enlightenment and liberation.

HOST

Oh, my god! Her talent is motivation of others! It’s a win round!

Audience applauses.

HOST

For the next round you have to answer one question: does Western constitutional law engage with Jean-Paul Sartre and existentialism?

Contestants look at Host confused.

HOST

I’m joking, obviously! It’s a bikini round. Let the country see if you’re hot enough to be the President. 

Contestants take off their clothes and stay in bikinis. Audience applauses.

HOST

You know what? I fully support you guys and I love our country, so I’ll stay with you in a bikini too.

Takes off his clothes and stays in Speedo. Audience applauses and cheers.

HOST

Let’s hear what our judges have to say, their final thoughts and comments and words of support before the results.

LADY WITH STRAIGHT HAIR

I think that Contestant Number One is so worth to be the President. I totally dig her because I’m a coffee junkie too, just like her. You go girl!

HOST

You know what? I fully support you

BALD GUY

I fully support Contestant Number Two. Have you seen him juggling? How does he do that? Amazing! Absolutely amazing! He’s my President for sure.

GUEST STAR

Thank you for coming to see me. I love you all. You are the best.

THE FORTH JUDGE

What’s interesting about this season is…

Host interrupts The Forth Judge and doesn’t let him talk.

HOST

Thank you for your brilliant comments, as usual. And finally, it is time to find out who is going to be our next President!

Host opens an envelope and pauses.

HOST

You wouldn’t believe it. I guess the bikini round changed the whole contest dynamics because the winner is…me! Thank you, thank you so much for your trust and support.

Host looks at both contestants.

HOST

As the newly elected President I promise to learn how to juggle and motivate others. And also answer the crucial question: does Western constitutional law engage with Jean-Paul Sartre and existentialism?

(pauses)

I’m joking, obviously! Topless six-pack pictures for the White House website everyday, of course! 

Blackout.

Political satire happens only when politics in the world becomes satirical.

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